Avoid the Kitchen
with 5 Easy-to-Learn Techniques

If you've known me for very long, you know I don't like to cook. In fact, you could say I am an expert at staying out of the kitchen. It has taken me a few decades to hone my anti-culinary skills to perfection. Today I am going to share the highlights of my "Quick! Out of the Kitchen" strategy.

Quit Eating

There are serious drawbacks to this method, and I only mention it to indicate that I have considered the idea but decided it just isn't something I can live with.

Eat Frozen Food

A popular strategy, and one I perfected in my youth. I don't mean to imply that the food was actually frozen when I ate it. This strategy is so-named because 99% of your grocery shopping is accomplished in the frozen food aisle. The week's grocery list for one person consists of 7 frozen breakfast dishes, 7 frozen TV dinners. (Lunch is a sandwich grabbed at the office.) Add a few non-food necessities and you are done.

A microwave oven is a boon for this eating regime. Being young is also a boon, as the younger generations seem to be able to live for long periods without ever brushing up against a fresh vegetable.

Eat Out

This strategy will work if you can muster both the time and the cash to pull it off.

"Time?" you ask. Yes, just think of the time involved -- finding your shoes, then digging them out from under the sofa. Then you have to dig for your car keys. Are they on the table? In a pocket? What were you wearing last time you had them? Honeeeey? What did I do with the keys?

By the time you've gotten yourself out the door (did you remember your wallet?), you begin seriously to consider finding a cook. (See "Get Someone Else To Cook".)

Grazing

Such a thing my mother never considered! At least not for "regular meals". Grazing is an art and one I would encourage the non-cook to cultivate. This is how it works: Open the refrigerator door. Pull out the nearest item that looks appealing. Eat.

You can also perform this amazing feat with a properly prepared cupboard. It depends on what you are in the mood for at the time: Cold or Room-temperature.

This technique is so high on my list of favorites that I have written a step-by-step "Guide to Grazing" for you. It even includes the very important shopping list. Don't Cook; Graze! .

Get Someone Else To Cook

My friends, this is the ultimate of ultimate techniques for those of us who shun the chef's hat and apron. Quickly, before you get the wrong impression I must tell you - this does not include "hiring a cook". Pah, where is the art and the glory in that?

Hiring is not the answer. Discovering someone in your life who loves to cook IS the answer!

Yes! There are actually people out there who really like spending time in the kitchen! You will recognize them when they describe time in the kitchen as "creative" and "fun".

Should you have one of these blessed souls in your life, cherish them. Cosset them. Promise to do the dishes every night if only they will cook for you!

That about sums up the techniques I've developed over the decades. May you always enjoy good eating and have luck* enough to avoid the kitchen as much as you are able.

Mari